It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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