My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
