bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
ttyl tear gas
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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