How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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