i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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