shes about as inviting as chlamydia
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
