im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Randomize
