just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We have so much sex to catch up on
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
