Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
