Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
