I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
