I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
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