I cockslap morals
I can text with my tongue
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
