I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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