We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
