Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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