I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize