just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
