Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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