he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
