you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
