I wish my penis had an off switch
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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