Did you just see the Batmobile???
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
