i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
