someone threw a dead crab at me
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
