Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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