we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
