"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
