it was like a zeppelin in a condom
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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