she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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