YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
