Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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