Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
