Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
