I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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