I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
