I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
