my vag is so smooth its legendary
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
So many bounce houses so little time
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
