her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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