Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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