I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
