she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize