Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
