fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
