You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
