Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
