I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I wish life had little blips of pornography
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize