The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
