I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
