I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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