Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
