im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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