every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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