We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
