I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
