So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
