how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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