shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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