The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
