I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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