My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
