1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
