Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
