I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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