I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
