If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
