Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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