his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
