New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
