I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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