can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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