i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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