if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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